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Victoria’s Secret has been pushing their “cheeky” undies a lot in the last year. My inbox is full of ads for them. While they can have adorable patterns, one feeling is clear: this underwear is made to give wedgies.

Now, I don’t know about you, general readers aged 19-27, but I am in probably the best shape I’ll ever be and my skin is as elastic as it can get. I’m going to lounge about the indoor homestead in my underoos every chance I can. This lack of clothing means I need underwear that actually covers my buns to prevent cat hair and whatever from getting on my tush, as well as protecting furniture from smelling like ass. Besides my freewheeling need to bare almost it all, I also like to be able to walk without feeling something gathering in my crack area. With or without additional layers of clothing, it’s a thing I have to not have anything uncomfortable in the no-zone.

There is a ton of underwear that are cute or sexy and also cover all the buns. Some of those designs even hug the contours of the butt muscles that are exposed in the cheekies.

Are Cheekies cute? Yes. Are they functional? No way, unless you like your anus outsides getting rubbed raw from fabric.